Cold Nights And Empty Beds
by SophieAngel69
Summary: After surviving the swamp the cold night of the mountain is too much for Rowan. But when someone offers to warm him up for the night will he be able to spend his nights alone, or will even the warmest bed be stone cold in comparison to having a warm body beneath him?
1. Chapter 1

They had made it through the swamp, two more members of their party had left them but the quest was not yet complete and all those able must go on, no matter the difficulties.

Rowan lay shivering. His clothes were damp and wet sticky mud clung to him everywhere. He knew he could easily freeze on the mountain if he was not careful. Rowan thought of his mother, his sister Annad, and most of all, his bukshah.

Suddenly another blanket was placed over him and Rowan looked up to see strong John looking down at him in concern. Before he could say anything the large man lifted the blankets and climbed under them with him.

"Just get over here before you freeze," John instructed the boy, his arms open in invitation.

With his teeth chattering Rowan climbed into the big man's arms and lay his head on his broad chest. Strong John's thick muscled arms wrapped around his petite frame, holding him tight against the firm chest.

Rowan could feel the warmth of the big man slowly creeping into his cold skin but he could not relax. Something about this made him blush, he buried his head deeper into John's chest in attempt to hide his embarrassment, the drying mud scratching his cheek.

Such affections were frowned upon in Rin. For someone to need to be held was a sign of weakness and the only people who were this close with others were very young children and lovers who lived together. Strong John was neither his parent nor his lover and he was far too old to need such comfort. The others on the mountain did not huddle together, Marlie and Allun each lay alone, the only reason John held him was because he was a child.

Rowan wanted to assure John he did not need him to care for him and share his body heat, to prove he was not a useless child, a burden to the mountain party, but he did need it. Rowan had been freezing and already he was feeling warm, even the dampness in their clothes had grown warm instead of chilling from the cold air and spreading the chill into his body.

Rowan could not help but think of the last time John had held him like this. The night his father, Sefton had died, strong John had been the one to catch him as he fell screaming from his bedroom window. Just like he was now, John had clutched him to his chest and held him tight like a terrified child. The only difference between then and now was that neither of them was screaming, Rowan held in his terror of facing the mountain and John was not crying out with grief for his best friend.

But something else about this was different. Rowan could not put his finger on it but as strong John rubbed soothing circles into his back he felt the tension leaving his body along with the cold and he felt himself relax against the older man. Slowly, Rowan drifted off to a surprisingly peaceful sleep.

* * *

><p>A deep rumbling sounded in Rowan's ear, gently pulled him from his doze. "Hush, the boy needs his rest if he is to keep up with us," strong John's voice said, in a far softer tone than Rowan had ever heard him use. "And before you tease him Allun, Rowan has braved every task the mountain has thrown at us with at least as much bravery and twice the effort we have. He is too small to last these cold nights alone, and I'll not have you belittle him for that when he all but kills himself each day to keep up with the strongest and toughest people in Rin."<p>

Rowan blushed again as he heard John's words. He knew he was the weakest person in the party and he hated it being pointed out, hearing strong John defend him was possibly even worse. All day people would think of his shortcomings but they had been forbidden to voice them, which seemed even more humiliating than them complaining.

And worse was the knowledge that even strong John, who had just spoken so highly of him did not say them out of respect for Rowan, but out of love for his mother.

It was humiliating to have this man babying him and commanding others not to point out his obvious weaknesses for no reason other than to spare his mother the shame of having such a useless child.

"It is fine John," Rowan spoke, slowly pushing his body, still heavy with sleep, off of the large man who had comforted him in the night. "I am awake and will be fine to continue in a few moments."

The cold morning air attacked his weak, frail body and Rowan instantly craved strong John's warmth, but would not dare admit that to the adults.

"Well I'm not," Allun said in response to Rowan's comment. "I will need at least another ten minutes to properly wake up and a good breakfast before I am ready to travel."

Rowan knew Allun only said this for his sake, to give him time to prepare for the long journey ahead but he simply smiled at his mud-soaked companion before stretching and reaching for his pack, embarrassed for having so desperately clung to strong John the night before.

* * *

><p><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

So now they were two. Allun had shocked them all with his inability to swim and them Marlie had been unable to defeat her fear of tight spaces. This left only Rowan and strong John to complete their quest and save the village.

Strong John had tried to send the boy home with Marlie and Allun but he had refused. All the adults had been allowed to brave the mountain until it beat them, and Rowan would do the same. He would not shame his mother by returning home unsuccessful, he would sooner die on the mountain than go back to Rin empty handed. He would bring the water back to his bukshah as he had promised them before he left, if the stream was not returned his beloved bukshah would die and without them there was no place for him in the village. And most of all, he would prove to strong John that he was not a helpless child, he _could_ do this, and he would not run in fear at the first opportunity.

For some reason Rowan could not discern the comment Marlie had made right before she left had bothered Rowan. "It seems you have met your match, strong John. With the son as well as the mother." She had said. Rowan did not like anyone speaking of strong John and his mother. He did not want this man he both cared for and detested to see his mother in that way, or worse, for her to harbour such feelings for him in return.

Rowan had started his journey hating strong John, he detested the man who desired to take his father's place at his mother's side. While Rowan knew it had been years since his father's death and he would not think less of his mother for taking another lover he could not stand the thought of strong John, his father's closest friend to be that man. Rowan was not sure why he disapproved so strongly of John marrying his mother, as long as the man truly cared for her and wished to court and marry her instead of just desiring her bed Rowan should have been happy for her, but he wasn't. Rowan was mad, and even though he had grown closer to strong John as they climbed the mountain together, even as he found himself filled with terror at the thought of the strong man not being with him on his journey, even as he cried out in terror every time he woke up not feeling the firm muscles of the older man's broad arms wrapped around him, even as he found himself wanting to crawl back into those strong arms like he had the other night to escape the blistering cold of the rock surrounding him from every angle, he still felt rage swell within him at the thought of that man he now trusted with his life and could not bear the thought of facing this mountain without loving his mother.

Rowan simply could not understand his hatred of strong John loving his mother.

* * *

><p>The water coursed around them, beating the two weak bodies back and forth. Holding in all the air he could find Rowan searched for the man he had just risked his life to save.<p>

Rowan, the smallest and weakest of all the people of Rin had just fought a dragon to save the man he hated above all. The terrified boy found the strong man's weak body being thrown about in the water and clung desperately to his faded heat.

John was colder than he had been the night he had first held Rowan. The older man had been cold to the touch the night Rowan had returned the favour, sharing his warmth with the dying man to keep him alive.

He was stronger now, than when they had first emerged from the rocky prison they had climbed through for days on end, but not by much. Thankfully his heat had returned, only not to the extent it was on the night they escaped the swamp and it's lies.

Rowan clung to him once more, this time to bring him home, home to Rin. Soon this perilous journey would be ended, if he could only keep John alive until the stream brought them home.

But that was easier said than done.

The water threw them about mercilessly and although he tried, Rowan of Rin, herder of the bukshah, the smallest and weakest of Rin, could not keep the heavy man above the surface. The water that would mean life to Rin would mean death to strong John if Rowan could not save him one last time.

When they reached the wheel of the mill they both were slammed roughly against the wood. His head just above the water level John sucked in huge lung fulls of air with all the strength he could muster.

Hope came in the form of Star, the strongest and gentlest of the bukshah. "Star! Star! Star!" Rowan called desperately as the beast pushed itself through the sweet smelling water.

Finally the animal reached them and using all his might Rowan heaved the large man onto her woolly back. "It's alright... We are back..." He assured her breathlessly, clinging to her mane as she carried them both to shore.

"Rowan! Rowan!" He heard a voice call desperately, but his focus was on strong John who lay on the grass, coughing helplessly as he forced the water from his lungs.

* * *

><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	3. Chapter 3

It was his first night back from the mountain and Rowan lay in his bed. He could hear Annad sleeping soundly after the long day. Rowan had be eager to go home and climb into bed, but now he was here something just felt off.

He had wrapped himself so tightly in the blankets he was sweating, but at the same time, he felt cold. This coldness was within him. Something had changed on the mountain, something within him. Rowan knew then that he would never be the same again.

* * *

><p>"Rowan! Rowan!" Jiller cried desperately, waking her son from his slumber.<p>

Rowan's eyelids fluttered. "Mother?" He asked drowsily, not completely sure where he was.

Jiller's face came into focus and she stroked her son's hair caringly as she spoke. "You were screaming," she told him, her eyes full of concern.

"I was?" Rowan asked, glancing around his room and seeing his little sister Annad hidden behind his mother.

"You kept calling for John," his little sister told him hesitantly. "You scared me."

Rowan looked away embarrassed. He had not seen strong John since they returned from the mountain four days ago. "We were on the mountain," he admitted quietly. "John and I were in the cave and it was so dark and small, I could not hear him... I thought..." His voice trailed off and Jiller pulled him into her arms.

"All is well Rowan," she assured her son. "I spoke with John just yesterday and he is well, he has a few cracked ribs but thanks to you he will be fine."

That was the first time Rowan dreamt of the mountain, but it was not the last.

* * *

><p>Rowan had taken to sleeping on the couch some nights so he would not bother Annad when his night terrors attacked. It was not every night that he dreamt of his trek up the mountain, but most nights.<p>

The bukshah calmed him somewhat and Rowan spent as much time with them as he could. Leaving well before dawn to watch them slowly wake and staying until every one of them was asleep, but even they could not keep the nightmares away.

He did not understand at first but eventually Rowan realised what was wrong with him. He had returned from the mountain but some part of him never left.

There was a part of Rowan which still climbed the sheer cliffs, ran from the spiders and the dying cries of those who were not there, who had never been there. Some part of him still crawled through the cave and faced the dragon at the top of the mountain. Each time it roared he shook involuntarily as he was back there, in his mind, watching strong John, cold and weak, pinned to the wall by the fearsome beast.

* * *

><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	4. Chapter 4

Rowan was no hero. Regardless of what anyone believed he knew the truth, he simply did what was needed when someone had to.

Each time he had faced peril for those he loved the experience never left him. The scars did not show on the outside but when Rowan slept he would fight the mountain berry trees and the Zebak, he would run from giant spiders and ice creepers, he would face the dragon and the great sea serpent. He would close his eyes only to see strong John fast asleep as the mountain berry trees prepared to feast, Annad being snatched up by the warrior gratch, and his mother dying as the poison named death sleep slowly took her from him. The fear would not leave him, it seemed only to grow.

It had been years since Rowan had climbed the mountain a second time and he was a growing boy of sixteen. Thankfully the village had not been in danger since then, and he had been allowed to stay with his beloved animals, for guiding the bukshah up the mountain each winter and assuring they reached their destination was not a job for a child, he would continue to herd them until he was too old to make the journey with them each year.

Rowan was tending the bukshah one afternoon, enjoying the tranquil simplicity of the beasts when he heard someone approach. "Ho Rowan!" Strong John called out in greeting.

Rowan looked up at him and smiled an empty smile. "Hello strong John," he replied politely. "What brings you to the bukshah fields today?" The young man asked his guest.

"I have finished my work in the orchard for today and wondered if you would like the company." Rowan was not sure what to think of strong John, everyone had been sure he and Jiller would be married by now, but they were not. After they had returned from the mountain strong John and his mother had certainly grown closer, but neither had admitted any feelings for the other.

"Do you dream of the mountain?" Rowan asked the older man, his eyes on Dawn, the bukshah who's mane he was caressing.

"I do," the broad man replied. "Is that why you cry out at night? Because in your mind you are still there, facing each terror over and over?" Strong John asked and Rowan shuddered.

"Not always," he replied, still not looking at his visitor. "So much has happened since then, so many dangers..." His voice trailed off.

"All of which a boy your age should not have had to face." Strong John added, stepping forward to place his hand on Rowan's shoulder in comfort. "But all that is over now Rowan, and Rin is safe."

Oh how Rowan wanted to throw himself into those strong arms seeking the comfort he had been shown in the past, but such things would not be appropriate and he would only humiliate himself.

"May I asked you something John?" The boy asked, turning to face the older man.

"Ask away Rowan, I will answer as best I can." Strong John assured him, his hand no longer touching Rowan and he missed it already.

"What happened between you and my mother?" Rowan asked and strong John looked taken back, clearly he was not expecting this question. "The whole village was sure you two would marry in time but neither of you seems to hold interest in the other. You did not even bat an eye when she started seeing Timon the teacher."

Strong John swallowed thickly. "Bronden made an assumption about my feelings for Jiller, but she was wrong. I never saw your mother as more than a friend." The older man explained.

"But..." Rowan began in confusion, not sure what he intended to say.

John continued before the younger man could. "It would have made no use for me to challenge Bronden's accusation. I would have needed to provide proof that she was wrong and I did not wish to reveal my true desires and even if I had many would have believed me to be lying." Strong John explained. "At the time I was embarrassed at the thought of revealing the truth and your mother was embarrassed because she believed Bronden but did not return the feelings she thought I had."

They fell into silence for a few moments before Rowan asked. "What are your true desires? If you don't mind," the boy added, not wanting to push him too far.

John hesitated. "I have no interest in women, I am not ashamed of my desires but I would rather they not become public knowledge."

Rowan did not know what to think, he just stared at strong John in shock. The strongest man in the village, someone who fit in with the rest and was not an outcast, and **_he_** was one of **t_hem?_** Rowan had heard of people who were not interested in _normal_ relationships, but instead preferred to take to bed with those of the same gender. He knew people like that existed but they were few and far between. They usually kept to themselves and did not fit in with the other people of Rin.

Noticing Rowan's silence John went on. "I have known since I was a boy that I was different and when I discovered why I told very few people. I felt an outcast, as though I did not belong in Rin and sought to prove myself wrong. It was then that I earned the title strong John by proving myself stronger than all the adults of Rin." Rowan looked silently at strong John and listened intently to his tale. In Rowan's mind everyone in Rin fit in but him, it was interesting to hear of other's insecurities. "I accepted long ago that I will never marry for there are so few like me and my chances of meeting a man my age who desires me as I desire him _and_ is the kind of man I could fall in love with is _very_ slim. But I am not alone, I have friends who are like family to me and I spend my time in the orchard, amongst the hoopberry trees for they will never judge me."

Rowan could not help but compare John and his trees to himself and his bukshah. For reasons of his own Rowan did not fit in amongst the rest of the villagers and he took solace amongst the kind gentle beasts who accepted him no matter how strong or brave he was.

Without thinking Rowan threw himself into the older man's arms. "I would never judge you John," he said into the firm toned chest in which his face was buried. "You are a great fighter and a hero of Rin, regardless of who's bed you choose to spend the night in."

Strong John hugged him back and Rowan sunk into the strong warm embrace he had craved since that first night on the mountain.

* * *

><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	5. Chapter 5

"Thank you for coming with me Rowan," Shaaran said as they walked through the trees.

"The bukshah shall be well for an hour or so, although they may stray a bit they can not get far." The young man replied, keeping stride with his companion.

She smiled at him and took the bow from his arms. Shaaran held the weapon up and Rowan wordlessly passed her an arrow. He remained silent while she aimed and watched the single arrow shoot through the air, missing the deer and scaring it away.

The young woman sighed and turned to her spectator. "I'll get them one day," she told him determinedly. "I just need more practice is all."

Rowan took the bow from her hands and carried it as they went to retrieve the arrow. "You will be a great hunter someday Shaaran," he assured the girl, bringing a bright smile to her face. "Everyone must start somewhere."

When they reached the tree which housed the missing arrow the dark haired girl bent down to pull it free, which took a good deal of effort.

"You flatter me Rowan," she replied, replacing the arrow into the quiver in his hands. "You have always been so kind to me, the only one who understands what it feels like to be so different." She looked down shyly. "I wish I had some way to thank you."

Rowan smiled at her, a genuine smile. "Your friendship is thanks enough Shaaran," he assured the girl.

"Perhaps," she began, meeting his eye. "But I still wish I could give you more in return than just friendship." The young woman said, her hand on the boy's cheek.

Slowly she leaned forward until their faces were mere inches apart. Shaaran paused and waited with her eyes closed, allowing Rowan time to pull away before she gently pressed her lips to his. Rowan knew what she was doing, he had not expected her to want to kiss him but as she waited for him to deny her he decided that he had no reason to do so. When their lips met Shaaran seemed to melt against him, her soft lips caressing his in the most delicate kiss.

She smiled at him when they pulled away and asked with a red face. "Perhaps you would like to help me practice another day," she invited the boy only a few years her junior.

Rowan looked away in embarrassment. "I probably should not leave the bukshah so often, or for so long." He stammered out in reply. "And I should get back to them now, I would not want them to wander off." He excused himself and handed her her things before running off.

* * *

><p>He knew it had been rude to leave like that, but Rowan was embarrassed. He had just had his first kiss and he did not know what to think of the experience. It was... Strange.<p>

But it was not just that, Shaaran had been propositioning him as her lover. He had never thought about his friend that way and he was not sure how to respond.

In fact, Rowan had not thought about anyone as a potential lover. He had spent his days with the bukshah, content in their company. The truth was that even at sixteen Rowan had never considered taking a lover. He had no interest in courting women or competing against other men his age for their affections, although as he was considered a hero and that would give him an advantage as he has already proved himself.

Rowan was a young man, he could even take a wife if he so desired, so why was it that at his age he had not yet considered such things? Perhaps there was simply no girl in Rin who he fancied? But Rowan had met many girls throughout his life, girls from Rin, traveller girls, even Zebak girls, surely one of them should have taken his fancy, if only in a physical sense.

It was not as though Rowan did not have physical desires, although he was still considered a child by many he did have the body of a man. Yet still he had not found himself drawn to any of the girls he knew.

After checking all the bukshah were still in their field he continued to walk to clear his head. Rowan walked without any destination in mind but before he knew it he had reached the orchard. Wandering through the hoopberry trees Rowan came across the sleeping form of strong John resting against the base of a tall tree.

Suddenly all he could think about was the mountain berry trees. Rowan hurried to wake to wake the sleeping man as fear gripped his insides.

"John!" The young man called, shaking the older man's shoulder furiously.

Strong John woke with a start. "Rowan?" He asked in confusion, seeing who had woken him. "What happened? Is something wrong?"

Rowan blushed and looked away, realising how silly he had been. "You were asleep," he mumbled stupidly. "I was worried."

"You were worried the mountain berry trees had decided to attack again." Strong John finished for him, a look of understanding on his face. "All is well Rowan," the strong man assured him. "I have been working all morning and I was simply taking a nap.

"Is there a reason you came to see me Rowan?" John asked standing stiffly and offering the younger man his hand.

Rowan accepted and strong John pulled him to his feet. "I was just trying to clear my head," the boy explained. "I did not expect to see you, but I am glad I did."

"Has something happened Rowan?" Strong John asked in concern.

He looked away as a blush covered his cheeks. "Shaaran kissed me," he admitted, finally meeting the older man's eyes.

John nodded in understanding and thought a moment before speaking. "And you have never considered her attractive before?" The strong man clarified to which Rowan nodded. "That is completely normal Rowan, some people simply do not notice others until they are older, you spend your time with the bukshah more than people your own age, it makes perfect sense that you have not formed the affections most young men and women feel for each other yet. Just give yourself time Rowan, you may be confused now but someday you will look back on this and wonder how you ever felt so lost." John always knew exactly what to say, he had become the person Rowan would seek out for advice.

"But I am sixteen, I shall be seventeen in a few months and I have never found a girl attractive," Rowan began, unloading his worries on the wise man. "Not a girl of Rin, nor a traveller, not even Zebak women have turned my head. What if I never find a woman I like?" The younger man asked desperately.

John just smiled. "Some people never feel for others in that sense," he explained, much to Rowan's confusion. "Some people do not desire a romantic partner at all, some have unexpected interests, and some simply take longer to find what they like. Perhaps Rowan you find other things attractive. Perhaps a Marris woman would satisfy your desires," he suggested and laughed at the face Rowan made. It was not as though Rowan had anything against the Marris folk, he had friends who were Marris and thought no less of them than anyone else, but the thought of taking one to his bed sent shivers down his spine, to make love to a cold body each night, the thought made him shiver. "There are many different forms attraction can take, Rowan," John informed him. "Perhaps you prefer someone for how they speak and act instead of how they look, perhaps you have some desire I cannot think of, or perhaps you will just need a few more years before you start to truly desire those around you." Strong John placed a comforting hand on the younger man's shoulder. "Do not fret dear Rowan, in time you will understand your feelings, how much time I cannot say but no one has the answers you seek besides yourself boy."

As always strong John's words brought comfort to him, as much comfort as he could hope for at least.

"Thank you John," the younger man said greatfuly, placing his hand on that of the older man's.

* * *

><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	6. Chapter 6

The ice water chilled him to the bone and moving forward was agony. His whole body shook and shivered and when finally his strokes began to wane. Rowan felt so tired, so weak, he just could not go on. He tried with all his nonexistent might but the end of the icy black water was nowhere in sight.

Slowly Rowan began to slip under the water, his muscles too frozen to hold him. Just as he felt himself giving up a warm arm wrapped around his waist. He filled his lungs with air once his head broke the surface and he felt a strong bare chest pressed against his small weak body. Rowan greedily drunk in the warmth this body offered.

The water gripped him tight but the strong body pulled him easily from the dark depths. Once free of the icy prison they both collapsed to the ground, glad they no longer had to face the dank putrid water that had tried to swallow them up forever.

Rowan clung desperately to the body before him, soaking up the addicting heat it provided. "All is well skinny rabbit," the all to familiar voice assured him. "We have survived yet another task the mountain has thrown at us, and now we shall rest..." Strong John spoke, his voice vibrating through his chest as Rowan lay against it.

Rowan shivered at the cold which attacked his naked back and ran his hands along the warm body he lay against, trying to soak up as much warmth as he could.

"You are cold skinny rabbit," the smooth voice spoke and the broad hands began stroking his back, trying to chase away the cold with heat inducing friction.

The small boy shivered again, but not from the cold this time. "John?" He asked, his voice hoarse from the cold water he had swallowed. Rowan lifted his head and looked into the curious eyes of the older man.

Wordlessly Rowan leant forward and just before their lips touched he shot forward in bed.

It was just a dream.

It had all been a dream.

Rowan glanced around the dark room and saw Annad sleeping peacefully in her bed. He placed his hand over his heart to calm its rapid beats. Wiping the sweat from his forehead Rowan lay back down, knowing that after that confusing dream he would not be sleeping again tonight.

* * *

><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	7. Chapter 7

Rowan's dreams were now even more confusing than ever. Many times he would relive past perils, but always strong John was there. Sometimes John would save him, other times the danger would catch the older man unawares.

One night they were walking together along dry desert plains. Strong John's muscled arm darted out and caught the younger man, pulling him flush against his broad chest. Their faces were so close Rowan could taste John's breath. The young boy's face turned red and he bit his lip in anticipation.

John laughed at the shyness of the boy in his arms, causing Rowan to giggle and bury his head against the older man's chest. A strong hand cupped his cheek and lifted the boy's face up so that John could bend down until they were almost touching.

And then the older man pulled back and stepped away, releasing his companion from his arms.

John grinned at the look of disappointment on the younger man's face as he stepped away.

"Tease," Rowan accused in annoyance and amusement.

"If you want me, come and get me." Strong John invited before turning and playfully increasing the distance between them.

With a laugh Rowan ran after him eagerly, looking forward to what would happen when he finally caught the older man. Rowan had nearly caught up with him when suddenly strong John disappeared.

The young boy froze in shock, attempting to make sense of what had just happened. John had just disappeared through the solid rock beneath him. And that was when Rowan realised there was no solid rock at all, they were on the wastelands on the coast of the Zebak territory, and the solid rock was hollow clay.

"JOHN!" Rowan cried out in terror and ran to the hole through which his lover had fallen. "JOHN!" Rowan cried again but he knew it was to late, the ishkin was no doubt feasting on the large man at that very moment.

* * *

><p>Another time the two were swimming, the waters were not cold and dark but warmed by the light of the sun. He and John were at the beach near the Marris lands, the same one where all children of Rin had learnt to swim, but they were alone.<p>

They swam and played without a care in the world, chasing one another gleefully. As Rowan swam away, giggling happily, John pistoned himself through the water, catching the younger boy and tackling him under the surface.

Rowan turned and smiled at the handsome man, his chest bare, in the glistening silver light. John smiled back and leaned in to kiss the boy before him. Right before their lips met though John let out a watery scream.

Bubbles escaped his mouth as the liquid surrounding him diluted the sound. Rowan watched in horror as the millions of tiny fish devoured the large man. The water turned red with blood, obscuring Rowan's view of John's death.

* * *

><p>Rowan slept even worse these days, his nightmares even more terrifying than before. But one thing was always the same, John. It was the thought of losing him that tortured Rowan so.<p>

He and John were surrounded by enormous spiders, held at bay only by the light from the torches they each wielded. Back to back they faced the crawling creatures who seemed slowly to be overcoming their fear of light.

Suddenly one of the spiders dropped from the trees above and landed on the boy's shoulder.

"Rowan!" John called and he opened his eyes to find strong John leaning over him worriedly.

They were in the bukshah fields and the beasts all lay sleeping in the moonlight. Star, still partially awake leaned her head forward to lick Rowan's hand in comfort.

"You did not come home," strong John explained. "You mother sent me to look for you as she did not wish to leave Annad."

"I..." Rowan began but realised he had nothing to say.

"You were having a nightmare," John finished for him. A strong calloused hand caressed the boy's cheek. "You have been having many of those, haven't you?" The older man asked in concern.

Rowan just nodded, he could not speak as his mouth had gone dry. He sat in the grass, the object of his desire just inches away, fighting the urge to close his eyes and lean into the hand upon his cheek.

"Would you like to tell me what bothers you Rowan?" John asked, clearly worried for him. "You know I would never judge you for being afraid skinny rabbit," John assured him, referring to what he had said to strong John when the older man had informed him of his taboo desires.

Mustering all the courage Rowan had within him he admitted his fears. "I dream of you John," he bravely told the man before him. "I am scared to go to sleep because whenever I do I watch you die. I... I do not want to lose you." Rowan closed his eyes in shame as a single tear escaped.

True to his word strong John did not judge the boy, instead he merely wiped away his tear and pulled him close. Rowan's heart skipped a beat as the big man held him. "You shall not lose me skinny rabbit," he assured the younger man. "I intend to be around for many more years to come."

Rowan was not sure if he should laugh or cry, so he did both.

"I do not wish to ever lose you John," he admitted clutching the big man. Swallowing the lump in his throat he continued. "For to be right here in your arms is all that I desire."

He felt strong John stiffen in response and he sighed internally, of course it would be too good to be true for the big man to love him back.

"Rowan?" John asked, leaning back. "Rowan look at me." He instructed and shyly the small boy looked up to meet those big green eyes. "What do you mean by that?" Strong John asked once Rowan was looking at him.

Rowan took a deep breath before continuing. "I have fallen in love with you John," he finally admitted what he had realised over the last weeks strong John had haunted his dreams. "Ever since we climbed the mountain together you have been someone important to me but over the years my feelings for you have grown. I once told you I was unsure of my desires, well I am not anymore, I desire you." Rowan looked away from the shocked expression on strong John's face.

"Rowan," the big man began unsure. "Are you certain of your feelings?" John finally asked and Rowan nodded. The older man sighed. "Dear boy, I am old enough to be your father." He pointed out.

"You once told me you had already given up hope of finding a man your age," Rowan reminded him.

John sighed again before standing up and walking a few steps. The absence of his touch stung.

After a few moment strong John finally spoke. "Rowan you do not want someone to be with you for no reason other than that you are the closest thing to what they want." John said, not sure how to make the younger man understand his point of view.

Rowan stood angrily and faced the large man, not sure where his sudden rage had come from. "You are the one my heart desires John!" He said again, his voice loud in the emptiness of the night and a few of the bukshah stirred but did not wake. "If you do not desire me back then just say so, but if you are so sure you will spend your life alone because no one fits your standards, then perhaps your standards are too high!" Crying once again Rowan stormed home and left the man he had fallen for standing alone.

Rowan did not dream of strong John that night, instead he dreamt of a vast emptiness that night Rowan dreamt of being alone and when he finally woke, he cried.

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><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


	8. Chapter 8

Rowan was in the bukshah fields as he usually was. He was avoiding strong John after their conversation the night before. Rowan was so mad at the older man, and he was not completely sure what he was mad at him for. But the boy had not known why he felt anything he felt for strong John in such a long time.

He heard the footsteps approach from behind and he instantly recognised the heavy step. Rowan refused to turn and face the man he despised and desired so desperately.

"Rowan?" The strong man asked cautiously before placing his hand on the boy's shoulder. "I wanted to apologize about last night." The large man began.

Rowan watched the golden rays of the slowly setting sun, refusing to turn and face strong John.

He heard the big man sigh and the hand left his shoulder. "You are probably right, I probably have set my standards too high. While you are a very attractive young man Rowan, I would feel wrong to be with some one so many years younger than myself. You are barely more than a boy." Strong John explained.

Rowan closed his eyes sadly before finally speaking, his back still towards the man he loved. "What if I was not younger?" He asked the big man, his voice feeling surreal in the late afternoon air. "What if I were older than you John? Then would you hesitate so much." Strong John remained silent and Rowan went on. "What if you were barely more than a boy and I was an old man? Would you judge me for wanting you then?"

With a sigh Rowan opened his eyes again and petted Star who had come to see the gentle boy. He smiled slightly at the comfort she brought him.

Understanding what the younger man was saying strong John stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Rowan's waist. Rowan could not help but relax into the addicting touch.

"I will not deny that this confuses me greatly," the strong man began, his soft deep voice music to the young man's ears. "But you are right Rowan. You and I have shared a connection for many years and it only grows stronger as time passes. I cannot promise where a romantic relationship between us will lead, but I can promise to find out."

With tears in his eyes he could not explain Rowan turned in those large arms so that he faced the older man. "Last night you would not even consider me as a potential lover, and now you are so willing. What changed over night strong John?" He demanded, not having the heart to put any real malice behind his words.

John looked down before meeting his eyes. "I wanted so badly to say yes last night Rowan," the strong man explained. "It was only your age that held me back, but I have had time to think and you are right. If you still want me I am here." John pledged and Rowan's heart exploded with joy.

The young man grabbed the older man around the neck and pulled his head down until their lips met. John's rough lips caressed his as the larger man eagerly deepened the kiss. His strong smooth tongue traced Rowan's cracked lips which opened to allow him entrance. Kissing John was so different from kissing Shaaran. He was strong yet gentle and very far from delicate as she had been, everything about this just felt so right. When finally they parted Rowan found himself breathless. He was blushing furiously and yet somehow he found it in him to smile. "You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that," he told the older man once he caught his breath.

Strong John laughed. "I think I'm probably better off not knowing that," he joked holding Rowan in his tight embrace.

Rowan was the first to break eye contact as he thought of something he had not before. "You said you did not want everyone to know of your desires for men," Rowan reminded strong John. "Does that mean that we will have to hide our relationship forever?" He asked the big man sadly.

A calloused hand gently lifted his face until he was once again looking upon the face of the man he had come to love. Strong John's eyes held a look of sympathy. "I would never ask you to do that Rowan," he assured the boy. "Revealing my interests would have gained me nothing but scrutiny so I preferred to keep that knowledge to myself, but now to keep it hidden could lose me a chance at love, I think the good out ways the bad in this situation." The big man explained, causing his soon to be lover to smile broadly. "What I am more concerned with right now is making sure there are no potential weapons within reach when we tell Jiller."

The two laughed together and stayed with the bukshah until the sun had left. John rubbed soothing circles into Rowan's back when the dragon roared and the younger boy shivered at the memory it triggered.

Life was not perfect, it was not some fairy tale where everything magically turned out well. Rowan wore scars deep inside which would never truly heal, but he did not have to carry the burden alone. Many in Rin thought the uncouth pairing distasteful, but as both were considered heroes and had saved the village in the past those people held their tongues and left the couple in peace.

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><p><em><strong>~SophieAngel69<strong>_


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